dear Mr ex-

dear mr. ex-,,

i hope when your other-half celebrates her birthday this year, you will give her flower. roses, perhaps.

i guess she will love it.

when we're together before, i really hope that once you will hand me a rose on that eventful day.

as now the chance is not mine, i hope somebody else will indulge the feeling.

sometimes, some things need to be said and done.

even though it takes me years to finally say or do so.

i genuinely hope she will be happy and feel as the most luckiest person when she is with you.

and so are you, with her.

okay finish. sekarang mari layan Back to AugustDecember~

Stages of Plot in 2010.

January

istiadat perbarisan & pertauliahan 2010. nice sunny & blessed day.

congratulation kepada orang itu..

memulakan langkah baru kamu.

February

masa untuk melepaskan tekanan & juga shock.

escapism at kuala kubu baru damp, again & fraser hill.

"nak pegi fraser hill!"

for last year and this year,, terimakaseh kepada orang yg selalu merealisasikan dream aku. ;)

tema: penantian satu penyeksaan.

March

finally. after 6 years.

ada orang cakap pada aku, seseorang tu hardly akan dapat dia punya one in a million.

takkan? so it will stay kah? like a sinful desire?

and it just suggesting to me that, -- so u're my one in a million.

thanks for celebrating my first-cry anniversary... it means.. a lot.

April-May

kerja yang pertama tanpa gaji di sini.

and i love what im doing right now because of them.

belajar untuk kerja juga masa di sini. hidup kerja bosanlah.

oh yea berjaya score goal pada kali pertama try sepak bola. :')

agak cool juga experience ni. hii.

end of May. early June.

first experience of seeing para-trooping.

amazing.! terrified.!

July

starting the real first job.

teruja nih kerja yang bergaji!

jumpa kawan-kawan yg satu kepala fuhh memang best....

[tak seronok ajar English pd budak2 yg English-spoken. haihh]

August

semoga production kamu membanggakan semua engineer & officer.

bye Fpso Ruby Princess .

perhaps for good.

September

peristiwa dua belas september~

and you will be my one. and only. insyAllah.

October

lepas dah pegang cert yang tertunggu-tunggu selama ni,

tiba-tiba rasa blur. apa lagi nak buat lepas ni?

i'm not done studying. mengada rasa nak sambung pulakk...

anyway. memulakan second job yang mungkin menjadi final job.

maybe.

November

menyebabkan kecederaan pertama pada bigbee, hati jugak rasa cedera. sob3x..

berhari-hari jugak mengalami kesedihan melampau.

[bila benda yg guna duit sendiri ni value dia lebih tinggi. ke-sensitif-an nye juga tinggi]

December

im still waiting for good stories in December. so far i had none.

December, i don't really like you.

nota untuk sang mantan.

you,

i should tell you earlier. i should not take years to actually tell the truth.

somehow i wish u will reach here, although i know you will not.

i was in love with someone else.

i was deeply in love with someone else. while i'm with you.

it is meaningless; telling you this.. now. however i think i should let you know.

something that you never ever know. at all.

i loved him so much that every single memory about him just like a dark stain on the new shirt.

im glad that things are just too complicated between me and him, and he became the star out of my reach.

im glad that you never know at that point of time.

because you can't afford to lose me.

and i just can't take it, the way your family reacted towards your grief.

and there i was trying darn hard to win your heart again, convinced you of my love although i was absolutely sure my love was with some other guy.

im glad, that i didn't break your heart with the fact.

im glad that he never be the reason; when we finally fell apart.

him. that i never ever simply share with anybody.

him- just like a shadow in the dark night. unconsciously there.

why feel the urge to tell you this, now?

i want to move on. without leaving anything behind.

so that you finally know, that you had already lose me quite a long time compared to what you've thought.

i am now finally see by myself that he is happy.

and i want you too, to be happy.

as i speak my grateful towards what i have..

i want you, me and him to continue moving on with our journey of life.

siapa dia biarlah tetap suatu rahsia.... bukan maseh cinta, cuma aku masih tak betah berbicara.

penat. penat..

Penat. sangat.aku tak tau part mana yang penat.tapi aku rasa macam nak tido berhari-hari. nak cari satu tempat yg nice and cosy, and tido.otak penat, badan penat..
kalau bule wish, aku wish nak pergi jalan-jalan... aku wish aku ada partner yang akan enjoy berada bersama-sama aku walaupon sekadar jalannn je sekitar kL.i want a pair's time rite now, not grouping time. lebih mudah to listen and to talk.i want a listener. rite now.
makin banyak challenge sekarang ni. i dont know what i am doing. apa yang betol, apa yang salah.apa yang terbaek utk sekarang, atau yang terbaek utk masa2 depan.
this is 2010.and ni baru bulan februari....

commitment rupanya begini.

mode: sambil dok curious mana pegi lagi butang baju number 2 kapt.tarzan yang aku anta dry-cleaning aritu. tiba2 ble nak sediakan baju td then tak cukup pulak. pelik betol. macam tak bule diharap je aku ni jadi P.A. ..haha.
~~~~~
finally aku tau macam mana rasa bila ada commitment & responsibility. bila u're bounded to something, u just cant do anything sesuka hati.tak kira in anything.. work or relationship, bila u have commitment u just cant simply detached or said 'oh i need a break'.for example kalau da keje, bule tak ko suka2 ati nak ponteng. tak bule kann..lebey kurang gitu laa..
dulu-dulu, bila marah or upset sangat.. kat dalam otak ni mula la rasa huh nak detached bla,bla.. even just emotionally. even just hanya cakap-cakap dalam hati di kala bengang. even kalau aku sedia maklum 1,2jam kemudian aku akan rasa oke dah.
tapi sekarang,, akhirnya aku faham bila kau ada bonding.. ianya tak semudah tu.even to think like that emotionally pon, actually u dont supposed to.it just not right.even kalau orang tu buat ko hangen and ko rasa bengang, and ko rasa macam just suka2 dalam hati nak so-called one-side-detach pon tak bule. *though sebelah pihak lagi tak tau ko tetap rasa its not right*ko akan belajar tarik nafas panjang2, ingat balik attachment yang ko da commit.. ingat balik yg it not just between two of u only, anymore. and eventually u'll learn to be a fine and wise person instead of rebellious-emotional person.

it will teach you what is real patient.it will teach you to be a wiser person.it will teach you to realize that true acceptance would mean in gud and bad.it will teach you real responsibility.



note: aku tak expect org akan faham apa yg aku tengah cakap ni. so kalu ko tak faham then it is understandable. =)

sinful desire... with the Jerk!

jerk, what???

The kind of guy most girls ACTUALLY want when they say they want a Nice Guy. Jerk is owez cute, just so u know. oh ada sorang manusia yg aku panggil Jerk di pengakhirannya. tiba2 rindu si Jerk, sebab walopon dia Jerk, kurang2 dia penah bg aku hepy. wut a meaningful affair months. haha silly!~ org yg jerk ni selalu looks like a sensitive guy, kadang dia bule appear mcm an angel in disguise... heh. betol kan. dia macam paham2 je kehendak ko, salunye Jerk ni org yg sweetalker lah. dia mcm drama ghost whisperer,, org yg bantu ko nampak 'the light'.. ceceh.. TAPI haaa jangan mudah terpengaruh! sebab golongan jerk ni akan sakitkan hati ko in the end, so you should play along! =) baru la betol ble dua2 dpt benefit from d game. kan. friends riso bila aku involve dgn my mr.Jerk,, suruh avoid gila2. well aku ckp i know d difference between 'want' and 'need'. i just wanna have fun! after all da lama leave flirting field nk jugak tgk skill tu ada lg ke x. *sbb ingt mcm da found destiny so konon2 patot insaf la kan* oh Jerk mmg seorang jerk, pandai play with words and he pampered too. he said he adored u, he worshiped d body figure, and he spoiled u d way u want. so have fun x?? of course.. sape tak suka, kan. he wanna play, i gave him a game. when he said 'u look hot tonite' just jawab 'apasal slama ni i x hot? u shud try harder, im not buying'. dan membuatkan dia hanya tengok without blinking d eyes. tp Jerk pon kadang2 kena culture-shock jugak, bila dia play dgn a vamp,, its not a surprise that he was surprised. well, flirting tu bukan maen2 msg "oh i rindu u la. muah2" or "u membahagiakan idop i, thnx for coming in my life bla..bla.." that is not flirting. oke. ah xnak clarify la, any foxy lady wud knows. =P in short, Jerk was shocked with d different side of the 'takdela-ktorg-kwn-mcm-biasa2-mn-ade-apa2' girl. turning point:: "wait, i dont mean to b insensitive bastard, but are you for real???" demm!! taboo words! game overrrrr~~~~ jerk tak cukup cool menerima drop dead flirting attempt sehingga keliru between game n reality. jawab apa pon, yg tipu or yg betol.. game overrrr.. rupanya tercapai jgk wishlist 2009 - flirting with stranger. cuma nya bukan stranger *which mean side effect telah terhasil.* kenapa tiba2 bule teringat Jerk?? sebab semalam ada org ckp pada aku seronok jgk scandal2 ni. fun katanya. dlm hati aku cakap, truth is hurt-- to anywho. =)

The thinking-closet.

dulu, masa muda2 sket dulu masa time diploma,, aku ada satu habit yg buat aku rasa comfort tp orang laen pulak jd freak-out.

aku suka duduk diam2 dalam almari.

aku akan masuk dalam almari aku ble aku rasa aku too exposed dgn dunia, or bila aku kantoi and rasa nak lari *kalu terjun blok 2 tingkat tu nati sakit pulak kan.*

bila duduk dalam almari tu aku rasa selamat.

aku duduk senyap2, pikir apa yg patot pastu ble rasa macam da dpt solution aku kua la.

aku still ingt ada incident ni,, aku sorang2 kat bilik. masa tu aku tgh bertapa dalam so-called thinking closet aku, then suddenly kawan roommate aku masuk dlm bilik. dia terkejut tengok aku kat dlm almari, muka dia mcm baru telan kapur ble tgk aku pastu cepat2 tutup pintu bilik! hee agaknya dia ingt aku kena histeria ke apa. =P

sejarah

aku start duduk dlm almari ni ble bf aku *skg ni x-bf jela.hee* kantoikan aku. dia guna akak dia punye number n sms dgn aku, so banyakla things yg dia dpt korek. cess masa aku tau tu, terkejut gile dowh.. siap aku lempar henpon sbb terkejut, pastu terus masuk duduk dlm almari dgn harapan sume ini hanyalah mimpi... tehehe.. bongek btol la!

sebab tu antara benda pertama aku cek ble nak stay kat mana2 bilik adalah almari. tapi skg ni, sume almari yg associate dgn aku tak cukup berkualiti utk menampung berat badan kiut aku ni. haih...

sebab tu aku kureng wiser sket skg ni.. sbb da lama tak masuk thinking-closet. *baekk punya alasan. =P*

aku ingat lagi ayat besfren aku,,

miss X : eh bellybutton takde pon dalam bilik dia??

besfren: ye ke... ko da tengok dalam almari???

huhuhu...~~~

err... korang ada thinking-closet macam aku tak???

cepatlaa aku nak buat fan club ni. haha.

7 Deadly Sins --> and dis is my number 1

Pride.Envy.Anger.Gluttony.Lust.Greed.Sloth.

i committed a sin for.i did something i shouldn't.well not really gila2 seriouslah seperti menumbuk atau pelempang jepun pada seseorang walaopon teringin gila aku nak buat mcm tu.
what's d sin??^_^ takkan aku nak maen write je kot......yg membuatkan benda tu jadik sin adalah kerana aku takde permission utk buat begitu. well isn't in life people tends to break the rule?
untuk perasaan anger ni aku berhak feel macam ni,bila ada orang cuba2 nk test patience aku. tak cukup dgn kepunyaan sendiri, nak cuba try yg kepunyaan org laen,, ada ka patot?
contohnya:: mcm masa ko tadika ko ada keta control, ramai org berkenan keta control ko, so ko baek2 kasik dorang maen jgk. sampai kadang2 org tak tau tu keta control ko punya. tiba2 ko perasan ada satu budak ni bila da bunyik loceng skola, org laen suma da balik tp dia dok renung2, pegang2 keta control ko lagi... siap mcm nk bwk balik je..... ko marah tak??! AKU. MARAH. oke.
oke itulah metaphor kepada issue yg buat aku marah skrg.*takkanla skg ni aku nk marah psl keta control lakk.. (-_-") *
well. kalu aku tak suka something, aku akan let d person know.so after aku encounter dgn so-called sin tu, aku msg si orang ini dgn hanya satu ayat yg pendek.
"aku tak suka ko."

mula2 penyakit lembut ati aku ni masih berbaki lg... rs mcm tak patot pulak menyentuh perasaan org sebegitu rupa. lg pon muka org tu suci murni gitu.tapi,bila dia jawab satu patah ni,
"so?"
hah tekaan aku memang tak silap.kalu org yg naive n tak salah of coz la akan atleast wonder why ada org bule directly ckp mcm tu pd dia. *coz dia taktau pon pasal apa yg aku da buat and why*
oh.aku pon senyum, so u're not as innocent as other people thought u're.memang btol la intuition aku. skg ni byk sangat org yg pandai berlakon.so wahai manusia,, ko memang deserve be the cause of the deadly sin - anger!
really2 dont like u.really2 dont like u.really2 dont like u!

how do you escape from ur 'sob3x' moment??

1. some girls go for shopping, as their therapy. oh its really depend on budget, too.
2. some will do a make over, such a hair-do. they believe they'll go out from the shop with a fresh look, and hope fresh mind/heart, too.
3. some girls would just cry, with friend pat softly on their back. luckily if u have one.
4. some would just sleep, as they try to forget what ever coming around.
so.. what did i do.. like just now?i got no budget for shopping, and a hair-do. too. sigh... kemelesetan ekonomi. huhuh.dis evening's therapy was manicure. oke. d-i-y manicure. give it a try mehh.. u got nothing to lose! it just striked like dat.. on the kfc table, we did ours. ha-ha.


question:does it helps? to distract from the 'sob3x' feeling??yea... sort of.....

aku taktau banyak cara utk buat2 lupa perasaan yg sedeyh. plg benci bila everything is not helping u.
if u were me, to escape from ur 'sob3x feeling ,


what would u do??

tolong mengerti satu ini saja ..

wahai kaseh...

aku hanya ingin kau mengerti satu ini saja,
bahawa aku cintaimu.
meskipun dengan cara yang tidak dimengertikan,
meski tidak sepantas yang kau inginkan.
mengerti satu ini saja,
cintaku sudah cukup untuk aku merelakan maumu,
dan jangan tanyakan mauku,
kerana aku tidak mau untuk punyai kemahuan lain..
selain ingin menyintai dirimu saja,
cukup.

out of the track

recently ni aku sangat serabut. i've been out of the track. path that i shouldn't be.

orang cakap, what goes around comes back around.

true. true. true.

everything comes with price.

i hardly reveal the real me to just anybody.

only to people dear to me.

tapi sometimes benda2 mcm ni bule buat orang shock. and maybe freak out.

bila mana mungkin dorang rasa mcm da kenal orang asing.

and pikir aku mmg macam tu with anybody.

and ditokok tambah pulak dgn anasir2 luar yg menghasut... things are getting complicated.

aku tak faham kenapa ade orang2 yg suka menyusahkan hidop aku?? ape yg syok sgt? adakah hidop mereka sgt bosan hingga perlu begitu???

banyak lagi benda dlm dunia ni yg menarek utk dibuat.

aku ada satu misi utk esok.

misi yg perlu aku setel kan.

semoga org itu tak berubah pikiran. aku perlu bincang ini dgn dia.

supaya aku tenang2 kembali.

supaya tiada lg ribut perang saraf dlm diam.

ya Allah, permudahkan hari esok......

Perasaan aku sekarang--

benci.
eh bukan,,
meluat kot.
penat.
letih.
tawar hati.

3 thn dulu aku tak pikir akan rasa macam ni.in fact tak pikir pasal apa-apa.
tapi bila asek kena put own smile for other's sake,aku rasa hati bengkak-bengkak.


semoga aku tak buat keputusan yang extreme.aku bukan melulu, aku nak berhenti. hentikan semuanya.

What if he/she changes someday..?

sometimes people think that they can cope with changes.

tambah2 kalau from the beloved ones. sebab dah sayang kan....

but somehow its not that easy.

kalau da kasih dah sayang tu semua bule terima, really??

tapi perlu ke nak menerima and menerima je with arm wide open?

semalam suddenly i got msg from kapt. tarzan,

"actually i wanna ask u wut if i start smoke someday? wut do u think?"

no. no. no.

"kalau ko mmg smoke dr awal, memang sah2 ko bule jadi kawan plg kamceng aku, real bff aku, tp setakat tu jela. i'll never think of u beyond that."

mau je aku jawab gitu. masalah terbesar aku adalah sesak nafas dgn asap rokok.

tp get real lah. dah jadi partner takkan xde tolerate and adaptation. *abeh, nak dia je tolerato ngn ko?*

plus benda tak berlaku pon lagi, so jangan nak meroyan lebeyh2.

and aku tak rasa dia akan smoke coz dia mmg tak suka rokok. knape dia bule tanya cam gitu pon aku taktau.

jawapan aku bg soalan dia adalah,

i really dunno.

tapi mmg betol, time after time people changes.

wut matter most is how u cope with the changes.

my question is,,

what if someday u find out that ur partner is not like what u've expected??

*tak kira la in any way*

Quick entry!~

hallu..~sehat semua?
kejap lagi aku ade event ladies-nite-out.ouh da lama tak berkecimpung dlm bidang ni.teruja~~~konon2 alasan nak lepaskan tense jawab exam for Ko-Kurikulum Bola Baling.caitt.. aku ingat cikgu2 pJ tu je kne blaja ni. huh. *knape budak2 pJ sume smart eh?musykil aku*
haa ade apa nk tanya pasal bola baling??aku agak bijak da neh... *woit perasan!!*
pasal nite out ni, dorang cakap nak tgk movie I Love U Beth Cooper. oke nati aku bg review.



oh.yea aku da perform tarawikh.benda penting harus diutamakan...

Kalau paper Edu. Research aku teruk, ini semua ko punye pasal!!

tadi kawan aku merungut,

"budak ni haa da nampak mamat fahrin tu da taknak gerak2 dah!"

hee.

memang.

aku rasa mcm nak pegi tolak je haliza misbun tu meh aku berlakon ngan mamat tu. "fahrin, i berlakon theatre oke... so bule wut setakat nak berlakon ngan u?" huahaha..

masa tgh jawab paper td pon dok fikir mamat tu jugak. kalu result aku tak besh, hah ini sume salah fahrin ahmad!

isk.

sebok jek nak buat shooting kat dewan kuliah tuh.

apehal byk sgt org shooting film/drama/iklan kat upm pon aku tak tau.

mula2 nampak haliza misbun, aku cakap dkt kawan aku,,

aku: "babe aku tak kesah artist mana pon nak dtg, fahrin ahmad je aku layan."

kawan aku: "weh sape fahrin tu?" *isk. tak kenal pulak. tp tak bule nak salahkan dia, she's indian girl yg jrg tgk malay film*

aku: "fahrin ahmad tu d only malay actor yg aku suka. aku da cakap kat kapten tarzan, kalu aku nampak fahrin, aku akan terlupa kejap kat tarzan tu kalu dia kat sebelah aku pon" *wahaha see betapa gigih aku suka fahrin!*

tiba2.... mamat fahrin tu memang betol2 ada kat situ!!!

fahrin! fahrin! fahrin!

kawan aku cakap muka aku tak bule blah teruja gila. hahaha.

note: rupanya fahrin tu tak la tinggi sgt.. (ni dr perception pempuan tinggi spt aku.hee) and dia da kurus sket r skrg.. da kurenggg taff dah, kapt tarzan lagi taff. oke lah kapt tarzan tak perlu risau skrg i tak obses gile kat fahrin dah. obses sket saje. hahaha.

Kantoi itu seperti sembelit!

satu perasaan yang sangat tak selesa, seperti tgh constipate seminggu tak beyak.untuk mengelakkan perasaan kantoi tersebut, kalu bule nak buat bunyi bising dekat tepon, dgn harapan dapat buat2 macam line tak clear, so bule buat2 tak dengar. tapi line yg slama ni teruk ngalahkan duduk dalam gua, bule jadik clear amat2 macam duduk sebelah pencawang maxis pulak. *slalu aku rasa mcm nak seligi je kepala ananda krisnan tu*
Kes kantoi aku apesal la ade mulut yg gatal sangat nak bercerita kegembiraan riang ria d A-famosa yg dah nak dekat sebulan berlalu tu pd hari yg ceria ni? bercerita pasal kewujudan sebiji BellyButton iaitu aku dalam event bahagia tu? and bercerita pulak pada dis particular incek navy yg mmg terbaekkk dgn aku! kata Sol nama tukang cerita is Amin. Amin who?? mane la aku nak ingat muka tentera lebey kurang jek. tp aku rase mau tembak bang3x skrg jugak! *oke maybe ni je bnde yg plg best nak di story kan mase physical training. baeklah, aku maafkan*
"aritu u pegi mechanist day d A-famosa ye?" (Sol ckp dgn nada cynical yg mcm nak cakap apesal ko takde bg tau ape2?!)sheeeetttt...*&%# aku terus rasa sembelit masa tu jugak. dah sah2 aku je sorang umat yg bergelar civilian dlm event tu, enuff to explain who had stolen d glam-lite. so sah2 semua umat laen dalam tu jadik kenal dgn aku *and kenal gile who brought me*,, so takkanla aku nak cakap, "eyh takdela, salah org kot... tak penah pegi pon A-famosa..?"
instead of cakap camtu... aku cakap,,"Oww, ala aritu.. haa tula dorg dapat made time kat i, u kat mane eyh masa tu i taktau."
bodoh gile jawapan!!!! stupid dumb dumb!nak lempang diri sdiri!and terus rasa nak beyak...

kes caught red-handed,kenapa org suka tanya benda yg dah sahih?kalau dah terang lagi bersuluh benda tu kan janganla ditanya lagi, kalu buat2 cam taktau kan lagi bagus?


note: Sol itu sejenis fren that is undefined. macam chipsmore. dia bukan tinggal d hutan, tp tinggal d laut.